If you meet a manager, regardless of level, who claims that his/her work team is like a family, and they see each team member as a family member…run away. I know this may upset people who claim this works for them, but I just must be candid about this reality. And know this does not mean that you cannot have a great team that is loyal, caring and family-esque but the emphasis on the “-esque” similar to but really not the authentic article.
Listen, I already have a family which I have dedicated my entire life to so I cannot allow to have another family thrust upon me. Pretending that the people you work with are family is very unhealthy even though I do understand the desire for this. Look at it this way, there are times when I wish I could fire my brother, but I can’t because he is actually family, which means I cannot fire him (maybe draw some boundaries, argue with him about something that happened when we were kids or run to mom and dad for affirmation, but cannot not fire him as he is my brother. But I can fire any member of my team who does not produce results or violates the law or company standards. Although there are some similarities to family and work teams such as loyalty, being there for each other and caring, the depth and flavor of these items vary the deeper you get into them. In the end you can leave a company, fire someone or choose something different but you are stuck with your family. As Kasey Musgraves sings from her song Family is Family:
They own too much wicker and drink too much liquor
You’d wash your hands of them, but blood’s always thicker
You might look just like ’em, that don’t mean you’re like ’em
But you love ’em
At the heart of this differentiation is the fact that family bonds are different than work bonds and this holds true even if sometimes you like your workmates more than some family members. This does not mean that you cannot have strong loyalty and bonds with co-workers, but it is and will always be different. The difference here is due in part to accountability and forgiveness. How we hold accountable our family members is different than direct reports and co-workers. How to and why we forgive direct reports is different. If I fire someone, I can forgive them, and life moves on. Most likely I will not see them again. But family members are interwoven like fabric. Also, it is good to note the goals of a family have a different weight, drive and quality than the goals of a work team.
The solution for a CEO or manager of any sorts is instead of trying to make you direct reports and team another family, build them up to be a high performing team. I have been on a few high performing teams throughout my life in sports, church and at work. And it is awesome to be on a team dedicated to excellence and winning. Everybody does their job to a high level, we have each other’s backs, we can have the hard talks etc. and we care for each other a lot. Gosh, that sure sounds like a family, doesn’t it? On the surface absolutely, but again the magnitude and quality and obligations of caring, dare I say love is different. In fact, most of the high-performing teams I was on where I genuinely cared about each member of the team, I rarely if at all other outside of work. Why? Well because when I am not at work, I want to be with one of the biggest reasons I go to work, my family. And as I see my job as a calling or vocation, it is a calling that adds to and supports my primary calling. It allows me to set a good example to my family of what it means to work hard and accomplish things. My job also allows me to grow as a person and contribute to the world and of course my job allows me to take care of and support my family.
My experience has been that managers who try to run their team as a family are probably weak leaders. They have a tough time of doing most anything a leader should such as setting a path, holding people accountable etc. and use the ‘family schtick’ as a cover to mask their inadequacies as a manager. I can remember this one time at a company town hall, a particular manager was given time to address the company as he was retiring. He said how he tried to treat his team like a family. As I saw him say this, I also saw his team roll their eyes. I can tell you for sure, as I worked with his time on issues, they were quite dysfunctional and ineffective as a team. I spoke with a few of his direct reports after he left, and they surely did not feel well led nor the love of a parent. Perhaps the manager retiring spoke this in his farewell address promoting this rosy picture of his team because we all like to rewrite the narrative, so it makes things look good. He should have been a better boss/manager to his team and not a parent. Masquerading as a parent is a form of manipulation. No one wants daddy issues in the workplace. Ultimately stating that you are a family implies that the manager is the parent and that is direct reports better obey him/her like a child—not good.
A close derivative of the “my team is a family” manager is the “us v. the world” manager. Be very suspect of this as well. First, everyone in a company plays for the same team and wears the same jersey. So, this approach is very antithetical to build camaraderie and teamwork across the organization. For the team members, this again is a form of manipulation. It promotes that the manager is the only one that cares about them and is protecting each report, and that “the manager is the only one person who can be trusted, so come to me and confide in me on all things.” And you know this is a recipe for disaster.
Lastly, I do love consulting to family businesses. They are often very cool and amazing companies. But sometimes they can be the hardest clients to fully help as not only are you dealing with the work culture and challenges but also the family challenges and the family dynamic. Often, I play consultant and Dr. Phil at the same time. And the rules of family dynamic are clearly different than the rules of work dynamic. Thus, proving my point.
In the end, as a manager go build a high-performing team, a team that cares about results and sincerely cares about each other. Forcing the obligation to join another family is not only ineffective but also can be very painful for your team members in a variety of areas. So, as you develop a magnificent work team, platoon, football team remember this, no matter what, at the end of the day you return home to your family to do the most important work of your life.